Personal Conversation with God...my life purpose

Hi, God, it’s me, Paula. I know You’ve been with me every second but I haven’t necessarily been aware of You. I’m trying to change that. I’m working on becoming consciously aware of my feelings, my thoughts and what comes from my mouth.

It’s incredible to observe how few truly loving, positive thoughts, feelings and words there are. It’s as though I’ve turned on the light in a dark attic and the light is showing me the cobwebs, the ‘dead’ end thoughts and ideas, the unkind judgments that run rampant in my mind. As I observe, I’m struck by how ‘unconscious’ I can be, how unkind, how judgmental…NO WONDER I’m feeling less, down, ‘unable’ to move forward in fulfilling my contract with You! I’ve weighted myself down with the shackles of judgments.

I started reading The Fifth Agreement. I had really underestimated the depth of this work.  In the first three chapters the author’s discussing the First Agreement, ‘Be impeccable with your word.’ I had thought this meant telling the truth. Well, as he discusses in those first chapters, there’s much more to it than that. He discusses the differences between Truth, which is Universal, and Symbols (words) that ‘describe’ Truth. He talks about symbols being the artist’s brush, the individual ‘take’ on the Truth that is perceived. Here it all becomes subjective, depending upon live experience, culture, religious dogma, etc. He then goes further to challenge us to begin to SEE Truth for what it is…for example, a tree IS what it is. No matter where you are in the world, no matter what your dogma or culture, everyone will agree that the physical tree is the same for everyone. We will name it (symbols) differently depending upon our language but it is the same for everyone in its essence.

My FEELINGS are based upon My life experience and beliefs about what I see and experience in my life…and those feelings are rarely based on the Truth about me. This is where it all gets so rich! I can (and do) look at the physical manifestation, individuation of ‘Paula’ and SEE me through many different lenses. The problem is that I too often SEE Paula as less than I want to be. Since I’m looking at me through this lens, I judge myself as ‘not good enough’. Is this TRUE? It depends upon my beliefs and thoughts about Paula’s physical being. It IS true that I am an older woman. Physical description of me is VERY subjective because it is made through eyes affected by personal judgment. So, I could stand naked in a room of ten people. Depending upon their belief systems and personal judgments, they would all see me differently. So it kind of boils down to who do you want to believe? What is the TRUE image of me? Am I okay right now or not? That clearly is up to ME to decide…by how I feel at the given moment! This body is a vehicle to carry my Spirit through this lifetime. I chose it carefully before I came into this lifetime. I felt at the time that it would serve me well for the creative adventures I would have. So what have I created with my body so far?

I have borne, breast fed and reared two highly intelligent, creative and successful young men (that is my judgment right there!). To be without judgment, I could say that I have borne, breast fed and raised to young men. That process was ‘uneventful’ in that I had NO problems with the pregnancies or births. My body is strong, well-formed…weight is evenly distributed. My Presence has always been appealing to others; I have no obvious characteristics that have made it difficult for me to be accepted by others: no extremes in weight or physical mal formations. The most that could be said one way or the other is that I have carried too little weight and more weight than is ‘comfortable’ for me.

Eating has meant COMFORT to me all my life. I’ve eaten foods I enjoyed when I was sad – sweets and carbs had a soothing, nurturing effect on my body and the way I felt. I learned to eat when I was sad and eat that way when I was happy too! I really craved the FEELING of fullness and ‘lethargy’ that followed – it was like a food fix. Since I was eating that way from childhood where I developed those habits, I did it in excess…wasn’t able to monitor how much I was eating…I just kept mindlessly shoving it in until I was bloated and couldn’t eat another bite. I usually ate this way and read a book while listening to music. (I was a lonely child – ironic for being one of six children). I didn’t feel I counted or was HEARD for the most part as a member in my family growing up. So I nurtured 'Pulie' with goodies. I buried my ‘shut off’ valve early on so I had no clue how much I was actually eating, or drinking as I came of age. I didn’t THINK about, wasn’t conscious of stuffing myself.

As an adult, mature woman now, I can look at those behaviors and feel compassion for myself and choose a new way of living, a new way of living CONSCIOUSLY in all areas of my life. I am developing the ability to FEEL my shut off valve now. I am experimenting with different foods that are healthy and life-giving and affirming. I notice the different ways I feel eating and drinking certain things. I FEEL how much better I perform and physically feel when I eat nutrient-dense foods…I no longer CRAVE the hamburgers and French fries. I’m still learning that I don’t have to binge when I eat out. My mind still has a tendency to revert back to the old patterns that if I go to a certain restaurant I need to order the biggest and richest food I like. I KNOW that’s all in my head but my MEMORY and HABIT kick in and often win out over my ‘mature’ mind’s ideas.

I’m growing and evolving…I’ve found a wonderful, complete body work out through Cross-Fit. It appeals to the natural athlete in me. I am enjoying recovering my strength and building on it. I’m ‘remembering’ how to jump rope and may even some day be able to do pull ups, something I was NEVER able to do even as a young person. My fitness level is encouraging me to eat healthier of my own volition. I want to see the results of my commitment to my fitness. Too, I notice that having more weight than I need on my body is uncomfortable and slows me down in physical activities. I want to be able to move easily and fast if I want to, I want to feel physically comfortable with running, jumping, whatever. I want to maintain my physical freedom…it’s becoming more obvious to me as I get older that “I” have to be the one to take care of me. I don’t want to turn my life, and my body over to medical doctors who will put me on medications to reverse mistakes I’ve made.

I guess what I’m seeing here, God, is that You HAVE given me 100% freedom to create what I desire with this body of mine, with this life of mine. I’ve finally decided that it’s TIME…TIME for me to live consciously. It’s time for me to choose and create consciously in all areas of my life. As I do this, I will be able to fulfill my contract that I made with you before I came in this lifetime.

GOD: Well, young lady, you’ve gone on and on this morning…I wondered where you were going with this dialogue. It looks to me like you’ve come full circle, haven’t you? You’ve seen what living unconsciously, driven by habits can bring you. You’ve also tasted what conscious creation can do for you. Living consciously and choosing what you WANT to experience, create and live is so very POWERFUL! And I’m behind that 100%, just as I am with anything you choose.

Your choice making will produce results that either make you feel very happy or help you numb out. Time's going by, Paula, and you DO have a contract for this lifetime to fulfill. You have made a tremendous amount of progress so don’t feel down on yourself.

The good news is that it’s SO MUCH EASIER to create positive things, life-affirming things, like health, wealth, abundance! Once you get it that by remaining conscious in your thinking and choices the Universe delivers so fast it will make your head spin. What do you think of that? You’ve seen it happen already in your life, with creating the home you now live in…it’s pretty ideal for what you asked for and came about very quickly. You and Larry have done this over and over in your lives together. You can create SO MUCH MORE AND fulfill your contracts at the same time! So how about it?

That sounds great to me! I’m trying, as You know, to remember just what our contract is…I know I FEEL like I know what it is…putting it into words seems to elude me, and I’ve BEEN trying, You know. YES I DO KNOW. I feel IT in my solar plexus, in my heart chakra and, at times, throughout my entire being…it’s a knowingness. It feels huge to me, it’s unconditional love and it pours through me at given times and I feel Your love enfold me and extend to whomever I’m with at the time. I find then that I’m saying things that resonate with them, or touching them in ways that feel healing to them, or I feel Your love coming through my eyes. So obviously I’m serving as a vessel of Your love. This love is able to transform lives, mine and others’. I’m learning that I don’t have to necessarily CALL it anything, yet how do I tell others what I have to offer, how will they show up if I can’t put this gift, this contract into words?

GOD: THE THING IS TO BE. YOU CAME IN TO SHINE, TO BE, TO REFLECT ME IN EVERYTHING YOU DO WITH EVERYONE YOU MEET. YOU ARE STRONG, YOU ARE WISE, YOU HAVE LIVED INNUMERABLE LIFE TIMES. YOU HAVE BEEN WITH JESUS THE CHRIST…YOU ARE FINALLY COMING INTO THE WORLD AT A TIME WHEN THE CHRIST CONSCIOUSNESS IS NEEEDED MOST. YOU ARE HERE TO REFLECT IT, TO LIVE IT, TO TEACH, TO HEAL…TO BE MY EYES, SHINING LOVE AND COMPASSION AT MANKIND; YOU ARE TO BE MY PHYSICAL HANDS, HEALING WITH YOUR TOUCH…YOU ARE TO BE MY VOICE, TEACHING AND EMPOWERING OTHERS, LETTING YOUR LIGHT SO SHINE AS TO BRING THE CHILDREN TO ME, THE FATHER. YOU ARE HERE, MY CHILD, TO REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE ME, THAT EACH SOUL IS ME, THAT YOU ARE ALL ONE. YOU ARE HERE TO SAVE THE WORLD, ONE PERSON AT A TIME OR IN GROUPS OR MULTITUDES. YOU HAVE THE VOICE AND THE PRESENCE OF AUTHORITY. PEOPLE OF ALL BACKGROUNDS WILL BE ATTRACTED TO YOU, WILL HEAR YOU, WILL SEE THE TRUTH IN WHAT YOU SHARE AND WILL OPEN THEIR HEARTS TO ME. YOU ARE HERE TO SERVE AS MY INSTRUMENT, MY CHILD. YOU HAVE SO MANY GIFTS AT YOUR DISPOSAL. OPEN TO USING THEM. OPEN YOUR MOUTH, LET YOUR VOICE BE HEARD, LET THE MESSAGE BE DELIVERED…YOU CAME IN WHEN THE WORLD WOULD BE AT CRITICAL MASS…LOVE IS WINNING BUT IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THAT NOW. YOU ARE TO KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, YOUR MIND CLEAR, YOUR BODY STRONG, YOUR VOICE IN TUNE. YOU ARE TO REMAIN CONSCIOUS, TO TALK WITH ME CONSTANTLY, TO TUNE IN TO ME…TO BE HONEST AND OPEN AND TRANSPARENT. THERE IS NO MORE TIME FOR HIDING…HUMANKIND HAS NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT ANYWAY. I’VE ALWAYS KNOWN, ALWAYS SEEN WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON.

Well this sounds great…how am I to attract clients, what do I call what I do? What can I charge for my work? As you know, Larry and I want to live abundant lives, where we have the resources to travel, to have the THINGS in life that we desire, so that we can help the others who need financial support for life-affirming projects.
 
I feel so little and ineffective to the cause, God. You know this about me. The job looks SO HUGE and impossible for me. I feel filled with self-doubt. It’s one thing to sit in Spirit and look at the world, where I know the Truth. When I incarnated it became a lot harder to SEE and FEEL how I can make a difference. I still need to overcome some early conditioning…I want to empower myself, to see my debilitating beliefs for what they are…I want to step up and accept in faith that YOU are there for me, that YOU will take care of the HOWS when I commit to being your instrument. I know I’ve already committed to that but I DO need YOUR help. Please help me see where I fit into the big picture here, okay?


GOD:  I WILL COME TO YOU, I AM WITH YOU, I AM WORKING WITH YOU IN ALL THESE THINGS, MY CHILD. YOU ARE NOT EVER ALONE. WHEN YOU CAME INTO YOUR BODY YOU WERE SUCH A LITTLE TROOPER, INSISTING ON ‘DOING IT ALL YOURSELF’. YOU WANTED TO EARN YOUR WINGS RIGHT AWAY! WE ALLOWED YOU THE FREEDOM TO FEEL ALONE, TO MAKE YOUR WAY AS YOU HAVE DONE. WE ARE HERE NOW THAT YOU HAVE DECIDED TO BE CONSCIOUS OF OUR PRESENCE IN YOUR LIFE…WE ARE SO PLEASED WITH YOUR PROGRESS AND YOUR WILLINGNESS TO BE COACHED. YES,  YOU WILL BE RECEIVING MEMORIES, IDEAS AND KNOWINGNESS. WE LOVE YOU.